BEAUTIFULLY IMPERFECT
Come closer because from far everything looks perfect
Monday, November 17, 2008, 10:51 PM
LIVID.
Have you ever bumped your head onto the sharp edges of a table or a tv console before? The excruciating pain you felt the moment it grazed on your head and the lingering and throbbing feeling u had aftermath. Now that is the exact feeling i'm having. None would understand the hurt that i'm going through. Nothing could pacify me.
It was a wet saturday and some of us were visiting my cousin who is getting married this coming saturday. We were there to help to settle some unfinished errands such as the decorative for her bed, the designs for her dowry and packing of her souvenirs. Seriously i did not see it coming, i was inside her room taking pointers from an auntie about colour coordination when the "happy" news broke. My Auntie ( she is my same-age cousin mother whom is my mother 3rd sister) was actually hinting that she is also learning about it so that any ideas created she could use in the future. Then She looked and me and smirked (or was it a sneer), "(INSERT NAME OF MY SAME-AGE COUSIN) never inform me anything. Of coz, i had no idea what was it about so i just shook my head and then my elder cousin piped in, " (INSERT NAME OF MY SAME-AGE COUSIN) is getting hitched? My Auntie was truly excited, she was red as a cherry. At the point of time, i swear my heart stopped pumping blood into my system. I could literally feel the room spinning. I guessed by the shrilled voice of my 3rd Auntie, all my Other aunties and my Mom had crowded inside the room. Above the noise, i could hear she mentioned that Cousin's boyfriend is coming to propose at the end of the month. What makes it more unbearable was when she pointed out ( and i knew its on purpose), "Sebenarnya dah banyak orang masuk meminang (INSERT NAME OF MY SAME-AGE COUSIN) tetapi dia msaih muda sebab itu terpaksa tolak. Mcm (INSERT NAME OF MY AUNTIE) masih muda2 dulu. At that exact moment, some one shouted for me 2 retrieve my bag becoz my down-syndrome cousin is playing toss-the-bag. My vision blurred as i snatched the bag and sprinted towards the toilet once i closed the door quietly, the tears started spilling. I was crying buckets inside there. I was making sure to muffle the noise. I was dejected.
Throughout the night i was trying to contain my tears from falling. I was having a hard time putting up a brave front. It get worse when i glanced at my cousin's face. I could not believe that she's going to be someone's wife in 2 years. Where will i be that time? Will i find someone 2 fill the emptines of my soul. Will i find someone who loves and cares for who i am. Will i find someone who will be there for me forever and ever OR will i remain being alone. I did not care about getting hitched. All i care is not having anyone special. If i did not have anyone special, how will i get engaged or married?? I'm 21 years old and i know that i'm too young to settle. BUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME UNTIL I DID NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND. Everytime i think about it, Why does GOD be cruel towards me. Why does GOD make me the object of a laughter. I thought he won't hurt his creation and Why did he torture me. I'm sick and tired of people kept asking about my lovelife that now i feel that GOD created me to live and die alone. No one will understand the dilemma i'm going through.